Lately, I've been extremely depressed. I've spent the past few weeks in pain; sleepless nights, drowning myself with alcohol and music among other things which (I think) would help me escape from things and ease the pain which I tried hard to hide. So many things have been happening simultaneously, and these things have somewhat taken their toll. No matter what I did, people have been saying that I seem shrouded with so much negative energy. And they're right.
I am in pain, which I can't help but think that I deserve. To top it all off, the person who I've spent the longest amount of time with has moved on with another guy. Which is perfectly normal, understandable, and even well deserved. Because above everything, I know that I was responsible for the failure of that relationship. But for some reason, I wallow in pain. Despite all logical explanations, aside from the fact that it has ended a long time ago and such, I am still affected. Call it pride. Call it ego. Call it selfishness. The bottom line is I am in pain. I feel alone. I feel helpless.
Because of it, I have been resorting to a lot of defense mechanisms: the feeling to hatred, extreme metal music, arrogance, alcohol, films, etc. All these things, in one way or another have helped me survive over the past few weeks. I ceased to communicate with a lot of my friends; spending most of my time locked inside my room, or spent a lot of time learning new and difficult guitar licks and tricks until my fingers hurt. I’ve been “playing” in gigs, but what I’ve been really trying to do is “outplay” others, thinking that the guitar and music is my world, I am untouchable with it, and it’s one aspect of my life that I can’t be defeated upon. But in reality, I’ve been lying to myself. The truth is, I've been hiding behind my guitar. All these things have done nothing more but give me temporary help, similar to how painkiller would do for 4 hours or a bit more. But after everything, nothing is solved and reality crashes in.
I have been hiding behind all these things because I have been refusing to accept reality. The control freak in me refuses to accept that there are things beyond me and my control. Outside, I want to act strong, "metal," righteous, and capable- which in turn makes me act like an arrogant, so sure of himself, mean and heartless bastard. But deep inside, I'm a wreck-helpless, in pain, uncertain, sad and lonely.
That is, hopefully, until today. Because just this morning, I realized that I have forgotten or failed to do the single most important thing that I should have done in the first place—ask for God’s help. During these past few months, all my other activities in life had overshadowed my faith. In addition, I’ve been avoiding the church I used to go to, because we used to go there together. Which, I’m sure disappoints God very much, and is a very wrong way of thinking. I’m sure that all these months, God was talking to me. Sadly, I have been too occupied to listen.
As I am writing this, I am still in pain. But, somehow, knowing that God is there makes me feel a lot better. Because all of a sudden, I realize that I am not alone in this- that despite the fact that my way of thinking over the past few weeks has been “no amount of advice or help from other people can’t help me,” I know and feel that God can. For some of you who are reading this and get somewhat weirded out, I am not going to be an evangelist nor do I think am I going to be qualified to do so.
Today, I will attempt to start a new life. I will look forward instead of looking back. I will try to appreciate everything I have in life. I will take things one day at a time, and grab all opportunities that come my way. I’ll do my best and reflect positive energies. And above everything else, I will acknowledge and thank God for the life I live, and do my best to always have Him by my side.
I’m ending this by quoting my very good friend Boyong with what he said when I was sharing some of my issues: “yeah, in hate, there is no sadness. But there is no joy either.”
